


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,108 (Part III)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [32]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 06:46:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7090081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Obi-Wan has a heart to heart with his arch nemesis, and Chewbacca discovers that blue milk tastes as bad as it sounds.</p><p>www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,108 (Part III)

TATOOINE - Day 1,108 (Part III)

Sometimes it's good to be a Jedi. 

When Chewbacca and I entered my hut I found my most recent nemesis sitting on my couch, pointing a bowcaster at us. 

I blinked. Within that fraction of a second I was able to assess everything around me. I could see and feel that Vinto Tox was alone. I took note of how thin and disheveled he was, and that he now had two artificial legs. The bowcaster seemed far too heavy for him, and I Force pulled it right out of his hands and threw it to my hairy companion. I then Force choked him before he could do the same to me. I opened my eyes, accomplishing all that in one blink. 

I had him suspended in midair while choking him. Funny thing was, he wasn't choking me back. So I released him and let him fall to the couch. 

"What's your game, Tox?" He had me bewildered. 

"Dude," Chewie began, "I really dig this blaster."

"It's yours," I laughed. "I told you we'd find you a weapon."

Rubbing his throat Vinto Tox coughed out, "You understand that thing?"

I turned and looked at Chewie, before responding, "Yeah, and he understands you, so watch yourself."

Tox appeared to be a shell of his former self. He struggled to stand on his new legs. "Please Kenobi..." He stood briefly and fell before me. "I just need a taste."

Feeling extremely confused, I asked, "A taste of what?"

He lunged up, and grabbing my hand, he bit into my wrist. 

"Dammit!" I yelled, throwing him off of me. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

Lying on his back he looked like a pathetic upside down space turtle. "I'm begging you, Kenobi. I need some Force essence. Give me some of your blood. Please! Just a taste."

He was now groveling at my feet. I squatted down in order to look him in the eye. "Tox, you know as well as I, that your machine was destroyed. You can't convert my blood to Force essence without it."

"Just a taste," he whimpered. 

"Unlike the name you have chosen for yourself, you are not actually a Jedi vampire. Drinking my blood will not give you any power."

"This dude is far out. Is he for real?" Chewie asked. 

"Believe it or not Chewie, at one time this guy almost destroyed me." I helped Tox onto the couch. 

"That's heavy, man." Chewbacca said, and he began rummaging through my kitchen. 

"Help yourself to anything you find." I turned back to Tox. "I have two questions for you, how are you alive, and what are you doing here?"

Tox slumped down, "Does it even matter?"

I grabbed him around his weird green snout, so he couldn't speak, and stared into his disc shaped lifeless eyes and said, "Listen you son of a gundark. You tortured me on a few occasions and nearly killed me. You turned Mace Windu into a freakin' lunatic. You have basically been a galactic pain in my Jedi ass since you reared your green wart infested head into my life. You either tell me what I want to know, or I'll take care of you like I did Jar Jar!"

Mace must have shared that story with him because he perked right up. Chewie was still in the kitchen sniffing the blue milk that Beru always brought with her. I wanted to warn him about the taste, but I figured he's a grown Wookiee. 

"Ok, Kenobi, ok. You win." Tox took a deep breath and continued, "When you caused that cave in, my legs were immediately crushed under the falling debris. I used all the Force power that I had left in me to protect my upper body. When the dust settled and I realized I was trapped under a mountain, I gave up and passed out. I don't know how long I stayed like that, but when I woke up I found rodents were eating my legs."

In the background Chewie did a spit-take. I thought it was from what Tox said, but then saw him holding a pitcher of blue milk. "Sorry, man. This is some foul tasting shit, right here."

I tried not to laugh, as I motioned for Tox to continue. 

"In order to survive I began eating the rodents that were eating my legs."

Chewie let out a roar. It scared Tox, but all the Wookiee had actually said was "GROSS!"

"Please continue." I was really starting to enjoy Chewbacca's company. 

"Ok," Tox was hesitant. "I survived for months like that, until there was no more meat on my legs. My bones easily pulled away from my torso and I was finally able to crawl around the rubble. I ate the occasional insect, and my antennas were able to capture whatever moisture was in the air."

Now Chewie was enthralled. He was sitting on the chair across from us, leaning forward so that he wouldn't miss a word. 

"For months I crawled around looking for an exit. When I finally realized that I was trapped, I knew my only hope was to find some Force essence that hadn't been destroyed during the cave in." 

Tox began shaking and scratching his antennas. He kept staring down at where he bit my wrist, and licking his slug-like lips. That's when I understood. Tox was a junkie. He was behaving like he was going through death stick withdrawals. Ingesting Force essence must have been the ultimate high for him, and he had been doing it for years. 

I waved my hand in front of him and said, "Continue."

"Right, right." A little Force persuasion got him back on track. "I couldn't get out of the chamber I was in, so I scraped up whatever powder of Force essence I could find. It was mixed with glass and dust, but it was enough to provide me with the strength to Force push a small hole straight up and out of the mountain. In hind sight I probably should have made a hole going horizontally instead of upwards, because it took me weeks to crawl out of the mountain. I had been trapped in there for over a year."

"Fascinating," I said, trying to sound somewhat compassionate. 

"Then I spent days crawling through the sand. Burning up during the day and freezing at night. Finally a moisture farmer found me and brought me to Mos Eisley." 

His purplish-black eyes almost looked like he was about to tear up, but I honestly didn't know if his race was even capable of producing tears. I suddenly sensed a thought moving about his mind, and I reached towards him before he could act.

"I was able to escape with thi..." he started. 

I grabbed Mace's lightsaber from out of his grubby suction-cupped fingers. "So is this why you're really here, to kill me?" I demanded to know. 

"No, Kenobi." He lowered his head, utterly defeated. "I honestly just want to drink some of your blood." 

Chewie snorted out a laugh. 

Hooking Mace's saber to my belt, I informed Tox, "Well, we both know that's not going to happen, nor would it help you. So what went on in Mos Eisley?"

"I encountered some of Jabba's thugs, and I basically sold my soul to the Hutt for these two legs."

I shook my head in disbelief. "So, why are you here?"

He lowered his head once more. "I worked for Jabba for several months, but the Force essence kept calling to me. I needed another taste. I searched for Windu, but with no luck. That's why I ended up at your hut."

I sat back comfortably on the couch. I looked at Tox, then I looked at Chewie, and back at Tox. I glanced at his new legs and pondered. 

"That is some story," I began. "It may have even just saved your life."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" He groveled. 

"Wait, wait, wait." I gave him a smirk. "You are just an average Rodian now. Do you understand?"

"Yes Kenobi! I do, I do."

"You can no longer go by the title 'Vinto Tox', because you are no longer and never will be again a Jedi or a vampire."

The Rodian seemed overcome with relief that I wasn't going to kill him. 

However, I wasn't done with him yet. "Now consider this next part very carefully. If you don't, my furry friend here will rip off your arms and your artificial legs and we'll roast your living torso over an open fire."

"Absolutely sir, anything. Anything at all."

"I once asked you a simple question, and you rudely denied my request. Now," I paused dramatically, "I'll ask you again. What is your real name?"

The creature once known as Vinto Tox let out a huge sigh of relief, and without an ounce of deception in his voice he stated, "My name is Greedo."


End file.
